More on Self-forgiveness

Concrete “tools” for self-forgiveness

Some practical tools and deeper perspectives that enhance the explanation of self-forgiveness:

Ten actionable steps that translate the idea of self-forgiveness into very practical behaviours:

1. Treat yourself as you would treat a loved one, ie should increase compassion (more often than not we are harder on ourselves than others; more likely for women than men as women tend to experience more self-doubt and take greater responsibility for relationships)

2. Defang the anger (

“…Instead of dwelling on what already happened…… Do something good for yourself in the present…… In paying attention to your own needs, you'll heal faster…”

Carlos Saavendra as quoted by Susan Shapiro, 2025)

3. Consider anonymous restitution (transform your offence into something positive:

“…Don't deny your feelings, but don't hyperfocus on the offence either……You can't change the past, but you can do good in the world in the present and future…”

Judith Burdick as quoted by Susan Shapiro, 2025)

4. Get a different perspective (look at the situation through different eyes)

5. Do an after-action review (

“… Discuss in a non-judgemental way what happened, why it happened and what was learnt on how to avert similar tragedies……Framed as a learning tool, reliving what happened dispassionately can ease the negativity and self-flagellation and prepare us better for the next time…”

Vatsal Thakkar as quoted by Susan Shapiro, 2025)

6. Write a list of your worst offences (

“…Get very specific about what you think you did wrong……Admitting your shortcomings and wishing you had done things differently is how you start taking responsibility and making amends…”

Fred Woolverton as quoted by Susan Shapiro, 2025)

7. Unravel the deeper roots of your regret (understand the basis and meaning for your words and/or action; realise that every human being makes mistakes)

8. Blame someone else (often somebody else should be held accountable:

“…If somebody else abuses your trust and vulnerability, it's not your fault……Knowing you did nothing wrong and don't ever have to see or forgive the person who harmed you if you're not ready can be liberating and healing…”

Ramani Durvasula as quoted by Susan Shapiro, 2025)

9. Realise you have many options (knowing you have choice helps you can get over anything:

“…Although you can't change the past, feeling stuck without any choice is demeaning and devastating…”

Emanuel Mandel as quoted by Susan Shapiro, 2025)

10. Remember that it is never too late to forgive (

“…Extending grace to people in your life - even posthumously - and to yourself is very powerful…”

Rabbi Joseph Krakoff as quoted by Susan Shapiro, 2025)

Acknowledgement to accountability to compassionate release, by giving more specific actions:

1. Place emphasis on “self-compassion” and reframing

Often we are far harder on ourselves than on others. Thus, need to imagine how you’d respond to someone you love who made the same mistake you did, then direct that compassion back to yourself.

This reinforces the mindset shift from blame to growth and adds a concrete technique.

1.      Provide acknowledgment of the physiological/health costs
The inability to forgive yourself can lead to chronic stress, depression and increased health risks. This expands the significance of self-forgiveness beyond just “feeling better” into organisational change contexts where stress and wellbeing matter.

2.      Embrace perspective on restoring purpose and action
Some tools involve transforming regret or error into positive action (eg., anonymous restitution) or doing a “learning review” of what happened (akin to an after-action review).
These are linked with change management: after a change initiative, teams can reflect, learn and move forward rather than stay stuck.

3.      Try to achieve nuanced view on forgiveness (not “always forgive just because”)
Self-forgiveness is not always straightforward, especially when no apology is forthcoming.

Sometimes blame/responsibility dynamics are complex, so self-forgiveness may need to accommodate ambiguity and not just “forgive and forget”.

What to Integrate into Change Management Practice

• Add a reflection tool for participants: “If you treated yourself like a loved one, what would you say?”
• Build into the change-process debrief a formal after-action review, focused not just on what went wrong, but what am I carrying in self-judgment and how can I release it?
• Frame one exercise as: “What positive action can I take now that addresses the regret or mistake; I am holding on to?”
• Include a health/wellbeing dimension: highlight that self-forgiveness isn’t just nice to have; it also supports resilience, stress reduction and capacity for future change.
• Embed the idea that forgiveness (of self or by self) doesn’t always require a perfect apology or neat closure: sometimes moving forward means accepting the ambiguity.

(main source: Susan Shapiro, 2025)