Perfectionism

Introduction

To varying degrees, we are all chasing something 'perfect' like wedding, house, job, partner, etc..

Advertising plays on this desire for perfection by
"...inciting feelings of envy, inadequacy and longing......The yearning for something that is intrinsically impossible can result only in feelings of frustration..."
Josh Cohen, 2022

Most of us tend to lament or berate ourselves for falling short of some exacting goal or standard that we have set ourselves. This self-laceration can be reinforced by the belief that someone else would have succeeded.

Despite most religions claiming the notion of human perfection is blasphemy,
"...The imperative towards perfection remains as potent and persuasive has ever..."
Josh Cohen, 2022

There is an exponential rise in perfectionism in the younger generation. This is linked with increasing social and economic demands like overcrowded labour markets, unaffordable housing, etc plus controlling parental practices.

"...linking the spread of perfectionism anxiety to the atmosphere of precarity and competition conjured by the free market...... meritocratic capitalism created a permanent state of competition within society, which corrodes solidarity and the notion of the 'common good'. This system sustains an order of winners and losers, breeding 'hubris and self-congratulations among the former and chronically low self-worth amongst the latter. In such a culture, young people are likely to grow dissatisfied with what they have and who they are. Social media creates a additional pressure to construct a perfect public image, exacerbating feelings of inadequacy..."
Josh Cohen, 2022

This results in a perfectionist falling short of expectations and feeling shameful and humiliated as they continue to aim to achieve what they want, rather than living as they are.
"...Perfectionism grows out of self-love and self-abasement..."
Josh Cohen, 2022

Perfectionism by Controlling Parental Practices (some examples)

i) helicopter parents (oppressively supervising their children's academic and extracurricular activities)

ii) hands-off parents (while keeping a respectful distance from the child's life they can
"...induce a deep longing in the child for a kind of recognition he believes can be won only through never-ending accumulation of achievements. The child feels she can't win, that her best efforts......only draws her parents niggling criticism..."
Josh Cohen, 2022)

iii) achievement-focused parents (rewarding the child on performance, ie
"...you may end up stoking your children's desperate need to please and create a lifelong difficulty distinguishing between their own desires and aspirations for them..."
Josh Cohen, 2022

NB This demonstrates how hard it is to get parenting right especially as we are encouraged to internalise an ideal of the parents we aspire to be. This is referred to as ego ideal, ie
"...an image of perfect self which, as infants, we saw reflected back to us in the adoring gaze of our parents or carers..."
Josh Cohen, 2022

This creates a super-ego, ie
"...Internalised voice of a harshly critical parent, which is typically amplified much later by other adults in positions of authority such as teachers or bosses..."
Josh Cohen, 2022

Some Symptoms

Perfection can be shown by a range of symptoms, ie
"...depression and anxiety, obsessional disorders, narcissism, psychosomatic illness, suicidal thoughts, body dysmorhpia and eating disorders..."
Josh Cohen, 2022

This range of disorders shows that perfectionism has a
"...chameleonic ability to adapt itself to different character types and vulnerabilities..."
Josh Cohen, 2022

Some Types of perfectionism

i) self-orientated (you should do better;
"...It breeds a highly motivated, but ultimately exhausting, obligation to become a more hydrolysed version of yourself: happier, fitter, richer..."
Josh Cohen, 2022

ii) socially prescribed (trying to live up to the expectation of others; create an internal monologue that tells you how you should be and what you should do)

iii) other-orientated (demand that others around you live-up to your impossible ideals; this can be used as an instrument of power)

Summary

Even though perfectionism can erode your sense of self-worth, most of us want to keep the ambition to develop and grow by setting high standards without descending into punitive self-criticism; we take pleasure in  striving for improvement.

Perfectionism may appear to spur us on to adults' successes. However, it is a fundamentally childish attitude which encourages the conviction that life's purpose is to become a better version of yourself.